I miss the times where I would get that special feeling,
When you would say something beautiful to me
And my job was to work out the meaning,
Whilst indulging in all its entirety.
I miss the times upon getting to know one another
When my daily business had mattered to you
You were excited at the prospect of being my lover
And our true potential came peering through.
I miss the times where texts were off the tap —
When I was constantly on your mind
And I’d think about this wonderful mishap,
In which you were my delightful find.
I miss the times where you would give me that look,
Whenever you would feel that something inside
And looking at you was like reading a book,
You were open and you had nothing to hide.
I miss the times where we would go to bed,
And ontop of your chest I would lie
Where I thought with my heart & not with my head —
Times like that which led to the ultimate high.
I miss the times in which I could be thrilled
By a single touch or a single kiss
Where all the affection I required was fulfilled
Oh, these are time I really do miss.
I sit here and I hope and I wish
Whilst reminiscing on the times which we shared
But for now, those memories I will cherish
And as for the next step? I am prepared.
(Source: trulydefyinggravity)
Gah. What to say? Or write, rather.
I feel, well, I don’t know, really.
- Confused
- Apprehensive
- Scared
- Happy
- Down
They’re just a few emotions.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this text post. I’m just writing exactly what’s coming to mind at the moment.
So I know a few lovely guys who I’ve been ‘close’ with, so to speak — but I always end up pushing them away or ignoring them for a bit because I refuse to ever let myself get that close to anyone again. At least for the time being, anyway. Right now, at this point in my life, when every decision of mine is so crucial, I just won’t allow the possibility of entering anything whereby my I’m vulnerable to ‘losing myself’. I don’t know if that makes sense to any of you, but yeah. I was exactly the same before I got into a relationship two years ago, and back then, I decided to ignore any doubts because I really liked this guy. I’ve learnt from that and no matter how much I like someone now, it’s just not happening.
I like being alone.
Obviously, sometimes I get lonely at night or whatever, and that’s when I’m most depressed but I feel I need to get through all of that in order to come out as a stronger person. I’m so much stronger now, it’s unreal. I take that fact and I think: ‘if I carry on being this person; me — and focus solely on myself for at least another two years, I should be happy with the person I’ll become’. I’m not stupid, I know I can’t say for certain of who I am to become two years down the line but I know if I put number one first I’m more likely to get ahead in life.
I do hate the sense of yearning I feel most times, I won’t lie. I yearn for the past more than anything. Certain smells or images remind me of my childhood — when I was ignorant to the ‘world’ and its ‘reality’ (whatever reality even means), or the times when I was a teenager with my friends — when we genuinely thought we had so many problems but they were actually nothing, or college where I found a few special people I will never forget — such as my friend Kat, etc. — and of course, falling in love two years ago.
It’s crazy. Life’s crazy. Absurd.
But I wouldn’t change any of it.
I’m a fond believer of the notion that ‘we’re all a sum of the people we’ve ever met’. Based on that, I can say I love how both, negative and positive experiences allow us to grow as humanity — collectively — or as individuals. It’s beautiful, because then, even when you feel like giving up and just not being here anymore, when [if] you overcome that experience, you’ve managed to turn that negative into a positive. I feel like I’m high right now and as if I’m getting to deep. But I don’t even care.
That’s another thing! I’ve been drinking and smoking far too much over the past week. Mixing, for me, anyway — just shouldn’t be done. I restricted myself to only smoking the Godsend on Fridays, but I hate how much I’ve been relying on it again. It’s difficult to get out of the habit. But to go back to my point, I feel as if these step-backs from ‘reality’ (again, that annoying, ambiguous word) only lead me to further depressive moods — the one I’m in now, for example.
I don’t get how I can feel so empty inside, yet I feel so emotional, simultaneously. It’s very aggravating, to say the least.
I just sighed.
I don’t know why I wrote that out either. (Or this, for that matter.)
Anyway, another thing I don’t get: ‘there’s just something about you’. I hate this phrase being said to me. The countless times I’ve heard it. FUCKING ANNOYING. The very fact people can’t pinpoint my positive attributes and just provide me with the most meaningless sentence known to man, fucks me off. I’ve been in a relationship where my partner would always say that. Is it that they’re strangely attracted to the fact I’m not quite sane? Because regardless, I want someone to tell me why they like me. Maybe then I’ll start listening.
Wow. Over the past year I’ve kind of gone from hating humanity, to hating myself, to hating myself as an individual and the rest of humanity, to loving myself and a minority of the rest, to now being totally confused about what I do and don’t like. I have a genuine appreciation for ‘life’ — I think it’s a beautiful thing, however, I won’t sit here and get too philosophical and talk about what that word means to me. Just know that I feel like with every negative experience, or foul mood I’m in, it allows me to open the door to a deeper understanding of ‘life’.
I don’t know, you’re probably thinking I’m talking horse-shit right now — but it feels good to write all of my feelings down nonetheless.
As additional side notes:
- I’ve decided I’m going to learn to play the guitar this summer. I don’t know why — the whole sitting outside in the sun and playing to myself just, I dunno, gives me a warm buzz inside. (I’m a sucker for that warm, unexplained feeling I get).
- MY MACBOOK DIED. Hahahahhaa. I’m totally at that stage where I find it hilarious. Story: was a bit high, MacBook was on my bed (turned on), leant over to put the pizza down for myself and a friend I had over and BAM my 1.5 litre Evian bottle of water decided to fall straight onto the keyboard. I can now not drink Evian water as I still haven’t forgiven it, haha. The thing turned off before I could count to two. I rushed over to get a hairdryer, but I still couldn’t revive it. Damn. I took it into Apple the next day and the dude opened it up in front of me. It wasn’t good. There was water still in there and everything was corroded. Repair costs came to £1200 in the end, at which point, it’s cheaper to buy a new MacBook, so I am getting one on Wednesday. WITH INSURANCE. WHICH COVERS ACCIDENTAL/WATER DAMAGE. People are like: ‘If I were you I’d be so much more annoyed’, or: ‘Why do you have to get a new MacBook, why not a normal P.C.’
1) I’m not as annoyed as some would expect because I have learnt that what’s happened has happened. It’s not in my control and getting worked up over it isn’t going to help anything. Obviously I’m gutted that the money I saved up for my driving lessons is going on another MacBook eight months after I previously bought one after working all summer for it — but in all fairness, I am a lot more annoyed at the fact that I’ve lost all of my work. ALL of it. My extensive lecture notes, my portfolio pieces, an essay I started writing, etc. Probably highlights that I value my time, work and effort more than monetary issues.
2) ONCE YOU HAVE A MACBOOK YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK TO HAVING ANYTHING ELSE. EVER. That’s all I am saying. - Almost finished my first year at uni now and it had gone SO GODDAMN QUICK. I love education and I don’t ever want to leave. I’ve also been throwing myself into reading and work a lot lately as a distraction from any pain I feel; library visits until 2am are actually quite fun — WHO KNEW!
- And finally, I’ve a few pieces of creative writing which I haven’t shared, but I may or may not post one later on tonight. I dunno. I just feel very conscious about my writing now. I love it but I have kind of lost confidence. But hey, we’ll talk about that some other time, no doubt!
CIAO FOR NOW.
— Charlotte.
It’s a bright sunny day — and so is my mood. Car drive with mummy. (Taken with instagram)
The world’s so peaceful at 6am — and there’s nothing else to do but think and express my emotions.
Let’s do this. Because being slim is overrated. #realtalk (Taken with instagram)
All these cocktails got me fuckeddddd. #FML (Taken with instagram)
Some new heels. They look SO much better in life. Someone help me from buying them? (Taken with instagram)
Revulsion
I have been sitting, waiting & buying my time
Cogitating how to put this into words & rhyme
At long last, I am now qualified to convey
Just how you managed to toss me away.
Damaged waste you merely cast in the bin
You – the mother – commit the ultimate sin
Whilst I – the daughter – unlike you, remain true
To myself – whilst battling to maintain my mental health.
You cheated me of my life, relationship & more
The reason why I seal that metaphorical door
Which allows you and I to mutually share
A mother-daughter relation that was once there.
Since a baby I questioned why we are nothing alike –
No resemblance in looks, just a personality strike.
How does it feel to cast out half of your litter?
Your formerly loved one has now grown bitter.
Like a comedown that has no desire to go; always there
That nauseating feeling which you cannot stand to bare.
So what is the antidote to such a shattered love?
What rids me of this hatred clearly expressed above?
Are we like animals – where the young leaves the brood
And severs all contact – an eternal interlude?
You see, everyone, it has taken quite some time
To utter my sentiment on that creature’s crime
I live in reality and dream it too – this awful nightmare
You put me through – the very one I have dared to share.
Looking at this paper, all I see is words – but nonetheless,
It is a constant reminder of your destruction and mess
Which I will always cherish and use to reminisce
On why I love you no longer and refuse to miss
The ‘unconditional’ love which we never possessed,
Because guess what ‘mother’? You failed the test.
I’ve traded a night out to see Ms Dynamite for some wine, chocolate and Shakespeare. #exhausted #windingdown #perfect (Taken with instagram)
The bitch is badddd. (Taken with instagram)
Lauren Shaw for Hips and Curves
36/38C bust, 31 inch waist, 41 Inch hips
Charlotte Faye Rogers: This is just beautiful. Fuck society’s ideal skinny shit bag girl. This is a real woman.
